Have you ever felt your husband was beyond
forgiving? Have you wept bitterly at night and no one heard you as your body
throbbed in pain?
Being married to someone suffering from chronic pain
is difficult. I oftentimes feel terrible that God foisted chronic pain upon my
husband. He did not sign up to marry a wife with an illness. In the beginning,
my husband had a hard time adjusting with my ill state.
I still remember when we brought my daughter home
from the hospitable after spending ten weeks on bedrest. I contracted MRSA, a
resistant staph infection, on my eyelid while in the hospital for pre-term
labor. After I gave birth, I contracted it again and could not stand as a
result of the bedrest and the pain.
I wept bitterly in bed while taking care of my
daughter, as my husband took time off work to ready our new home for our
family. I remember one day my little one had a huge accident, and I just broke
down and needed help. I called my husband desperately asking him for support. I
took care of her all day and had no strength as my body shouted in pain. I
remember when he screamed at me to take care of the situation, while I begged
in tears. He never helped me that day. He did not understand my pain; after all,
his desire to create a new home from the fixer-upper home we bought was a noble
feat.
The Process of Forgiveness
Even though it was not easy to forgive, Jesus
instructed me to do so when he said “for if you forgive men for their
transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not
forgive men, then you Father will not forgive your transgressions. (Matthew
6:14-15.)
I had to forgive my husband because Jesus wanted me
to absolve him. I had my transgressions too, and I desired Him to forgive me. I
also wanted the Lord to heal our marriage. Marriage is the practice field of
forgiveness.
I forgave in love and refrained from punishing my
spouse. Even though it hurt more than I thought it would, I erased the past
transgressions from my mind by “taking every thought captive to obey Christ.”
(2 Corinthians 10:5.) It creeped slowly into my mind again, but I batted it
away with Scripture; I would be “patient and kind…not arrogant or rude.” I would not insist on my way; nor
would I rejoice at wrongdoing because “love bears all things,
believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1
Corinthians 13:4-8.)
Though it took some time, I moved on. We were “kind
to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also”
forgave us. (Ephesians 4:32.) When my soul began to rebel, I plead for the
power of the Spirit and to God for help because it was just too hard.
Freedom
Once I let go and forgave with God’s help, the dark
dungeon of bondage melted away. Satan and my flesh may have screamed, but the
ugly unforgiving heart took residence elsewhere. It was no longer in my heart.
The heavens sang for my freedom from sin. I no longer gripped onto “bitterness
and wrath and anger and clamor” in my heart. (Ephesians 4:31.) I was free!
I could feel God near me again. Forgiving my spouse
brought Him closer to me with a peace surpassing all understanding.
Jesus showed me how to forgive when he hung with the
weight of sin on his back. He was spat upon, beaten, and hated and yet He said,
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34.)
Jesus is and always will be my example. I aimed to be like Him by “work[ing]
out my salvation with fear and trembling” with the knowledge of the beautiful grace
He bestowed on me. (Philippians 2:12.)
Jesus purchased my freedom—so I might forgive my
husband now and in the future.
A Moment of Reflection:
The Lord walks besides you as you forgive and obtain
freedom. I myself have found victory by:
1) Confronting
the Hurt
When another injures our hearts, we
cannot ignore the pain. If we deny our pain, it will bury deep inside your
soul, and bitterness can crush our spirit. Admitting you are hurting, but still
want to be free is the key to deliverance from the pain.
2) Believing
God Will Heal
By praying alone and with others, God
can release the hurt. Once the Lord sees
an eager heart, He will cover you with His pinions so you might recover.
3) Giving
Yourself Grace to Heal
Time will erase all wounds, but you
must give yourself grace to heal from the hurt. Grief is a process and God
wants us to allow the healing process to clean our hearts.
4) Praying
for a Clean Heart
Praying to God to remove the desire
for revenge is essential in the recovery process. Only God can take control of
the situation of wrong experienced against you. He knew in advance this
situation would transpire, and he will also be the one to care for your heart
and your spouse’s heart. (Romans 12:19.)
About the Author: Sylvia Ronnau is a wife, mother to a peppy five year
old girl, appellate attorney, and writer.
She also suffers from chronic pain and felt the Lord was calling her to
write about chronic pain marriages when she discovered that 80 percent of
marriages fail when one spouse in the marriage suffers from chronic
pain/illness.
You can follow her blog at matthew196.wordpress.com.
You can follow her on Twitter at @SylviaRonnau or Facebook as well. She is
available to speak on the topic—as she wants people to have the tools to
strengthen their chronic pain marriage and is offering a free month of speaking
at church events and retreats, organization and ministry meetings, women’s
bible studies, among other locations.
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