To Forgive or Not to Forgive

Have you ever felt your husband was beyond forgiving? Have you wept bitterly at night and no one heard you as your body throbbed in pain?

Being married to someone suffering from chronic pain is difficult. I oftentimes feel terrible that God foisted chronic pain upon my husband. He did not sign up to marry a wife with an illness. In the beginning, my husband had a hard time adjusting with my ill state.

I still remember when we brought my daughter home from the hospitable after spending ten weeks on bedrest. I contracted MRSA, a resistant staph infection, on my eyelid while in the hospital for pre-term labor. After I gave birth, I contracted it again and could not stand as a result of the bedrest and the pain.

I wept bitterly in bed while taking care of my daughter, as my husband took time off work to ready our new home for our family. I remember one day my little one had a huge accident, and I just broke down and needed help. I called my husband desperately asking him for support. I took care of her all day and had no strength as my body shouted in pain. I remember when he screamed at me to take care of the situation, while I begged in tears. He never helped me that day. He did not understand my pain; after all, his desire to create a new home from the fixer-upper home we bought was a noble feat.

The Process of Forgiveness

Even though it was not easy to forgive, Jesus instructed me to do so when he said “for if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then you Father will not forgive your transgressions. (Matthew 6:14-15.)

I had to forgive my husband because Jesus wanted me to absolve him. I had my transgressions too, and I desired Him to forgive me. I also wanted the Lord to heal our marriage. Marriage is the practice field of forgiveness.

I forgave in love and refrained from punishing my spouse. Even though it hurt more than I thought it would, I erased the past transgressions from my mind by “taking every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5.) It creeped slowly into my mind again, but I batted it away with Scripture; I would be “patient and kind…not arrogant or rude.” I would not insist on my way; nor would I rejoice at wrongdoing because ^“love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8.)

Though it took some time, I moved on. We were “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also” forgave us. (Ephesians 4:32.) When my soul began to rebel, I plead for the power of the Spirit and to God for help because it was just too hard.

Freedom

Once I let go and forgave with God’s help, the dark dungeon of bondage melted away. Satan and my flesh may have screamed, but the ugly unforgiving heart took residence elsewhere. It was no longer in my heart. The heavens sang for my freedom from sin. I no longer gripped onto “bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor” in my heart. (Ephesians 4:31.) I was free!

I could feel God near me again. Forgiving my spouse brought Him closer to me with a peace surpassing all understanding.

Jesus showed me how to forgive when he hung with the weight of sin on his back. He was spat upon, beaten, and hated and yet He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34.) Jesus is and always will be my example. I aimed to be like Him by “work[ing] out my salvation with fear and trembling” with the knowledge of the beautiful grace He bestowed on me. (Philippians 2:12.)

Jesus purchased my freedom—so I might forgive my husband now and in the future.

A Moment of Reflection:

The Lord walks besides you as you forgive and obtain freedom. I myself have found victory by:

1)    Confronting the Hurt

When another injures our hearts, we cannot ignore the pain. If we deny our pain, it will bury deep inside your soul, and bitterness can crush our spirit. Admitting you are hurting, but still want to be free is the key to deliverance from the pain.

2)    Believing God Will Heal

By praying alone and with others, God can release the hurt.  Once the Lord sees an eager heart, He will cover you with His pinions so you might recover.

3)    Giving Yourself Grace to Heal

Time will erase all wounds, but you must give yourself grace to heal from the hurt. Grief is a process and God wants us to allow the healing process to clean our hearts.

4)    Praying for a Clean Heart

Praying to God to remove the desire for revenge is essential in the recovery process. Only God can take control of the situation of wrong experienced against you. He knew in advance this situation would transpire, and he will also be the one to care for your heart and your spouse’s heart. (Romans 12:19.)

About the Author: Sylvia Ronnau is a wife, mother to a peppy five year old girl, appellate attorney, and writer.  She also suffers from chronic pain and felt the Lord was calling her to write about chronic pain marriages when she discovered that 80 percent of marriages fail when one spouse in the marriage suffers from chronic pain/illness.

You can follow her blog at matthew196.wordpress.com. You can follow her on Twitter at @SylviaRonnau or Facebook as well. She is available to speak on the topic—as she wants people to have the tools to strengthen their chronic pain marriage and is offering a free month of speaking at church events and retreats, organization and ministry meetings, women’s bible studies, among other locations.

God Uses Unlikely People

"C'mon Noah, let's crawl through the fish tunnel!" I said brightly, wiggling the large opening of the spandex fish-shaped tunnel in my hands.

Noah would have none of it. He pouted and limped to the other side of the room.

I have worked as an occupational therapist for 28 years, and Noah wasn't the first child who refused to do what I asked. He just said "no" more frequently than the others. So when the sulky 4 year old refused to participate in my "fun activity", I quelled my own exasperation and tried a little harder.

"Look Noah!" I said, putting my head into the opening of the tunnel and looking through the plastic eye of the "fish". Noah turned and smiled, walking toward me.

Encouraged that I had finally engaged my little student, I pressed my face into the spandex of the tunnel and made funny faces. Noah began to laugh loudly and then…whack! Ow! I felt sudden sharp pain from the tip of my nose all the way back into my head. Noah had lifted his stronger hand and hit me hard, right in the nose!

It smarted! Feeling slightly dazed, I ended the tunnel activity and directed Noah to something else, still rubbing my throbbing nose. Wow, that little kid packed a punch! I didn't realize how much of a punch until later that day, when the throbbing led to a headache, nausea, and a trip to the emergency room.

It was incredibly embarrassing to tell the emergency room staff that I had symptoms of a concussion after being hit in the nose by a 4 year old. They chuckled but they took care of me and, fortunately, the tests all showed that I was fine. My brain had just been "shaken up". As the doctor reviewed my CT scan, he told me some other news.

"Oh, by the way, did you know that you have a couple of thyroid nodules?"

Thyroid nodules? No, I had no idea. What were thyroid nodules?

"You should have those checked out," he said.

Well, the couple of thyroid nodules turned into a 5 month ordeal of diagnosing and removing a multi-nodular goiter from my neck. It was not pleasant and took a lot longer than I thought it should have, but it's gone now and I am feeling much better. What would it have turned into if that trip to the emergency room hadn't happened? I credit God with that one: God used an unlikely person, Noah the 4 year old, to alert me to a serious problem with my own health.

God uses the most unlikely people to reach out to us. We might feel really uplifted after that inspirational Sunday sermon, but God doesn't stop reaching out to us after church is over. Every day God shows up in the people around us. That frazzled check-out girl at the grocery store or your elderly neighbor who stops to chat at the mailbox. How about your co-worker who tells you to "have a great day" at the end of every email? Then there's your teenage daughter who repeatedly announces that she's not so sure Jesus was real. Even the jerk who pulled out in front of you at the intersection and then had the nerve to throw a rude gesture your way! Now there's an unlikely person. Would God really use him?

Yes, God would. In fact, God may be reaching out to you through all these people, giving you opportunities to serve and to be served. A kind word from you might turn that check-out girl's day from dreary to bright. Your chat at the mailbox might be the highlight of your neighbor's lonely hours. Your co-worker may really mean it when she says "have a great day" and she might be willing to talk about that big problem of yours over lunch. Your teenage daughter just wants someone to assure her that Jesus is real and to show her why. God shapes all of these interactions. He even sent that guy who cut you off to remind you to apologize to your husband for being rude to him the other day. God is present no matter where you are, touching your life through others and their lives through you. 

So as you carry on with your busy day pay attention to those around you and consider how God is reaching out to you. He may not have a 4 year old hit you in the nose, but he may send an unlikely person your way who will have just as much of an impact. The smallest interaction could lead to the biggest change in your life. That is how God reaches out to all of us.

About the Author:

Janet Meydam is a freelance writer who specializes in health care related topics. She is also an occupational therapist with 28 years of experience in a variety of settings. Janet has been blessed to see God's reflection in the many people she has treated over the years. She and her husband Tim live in Wisconsin.